BODY DYSMORPHIA

Story Time With Abbie

Body Dysmorphia. Google says Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance. Many will find it hard to believe that I suffered from body dysmorphia. I am a conventionally attractive woman, so when I say I have body dysmorphia, people may perceive it as compliment fishing.

I was a late bloomer; I didn’t develop breasts until I was in Senior Secondary School Two-Three, the final classes in high school before university/college. Being a late bloomer came with a lot of mockery by the way - "Flat Girl," "Pancake," "Pankere" (a type of cane made from shrubs), "Eja Panla" (European Hake Fish), and so many other names I am glad I have forgotten. The most painful name I have been called was "Aids Patient."

I will spend so much time in front of the mirror nitpicking at my appearance, asking myself why my legs looked so tiny, why my teeth looked bigger. "I think I’ll be prettier if my eyes were this shape," I’d say to myself, standing in front of the mirror, my hands to my eyes making the shape I thought would make me even more desirable.

My mother seldom called me beautiful as a child, and I can’t remember if my father ever did. Maybe they didn’t say it because they didn’t want to boost my ego. Is it weird that I knew I was beautiful, but I never felt beautiful, so I’ll look at the mirror thinking about all the things I could change, worrying about my body and the changes I was yet to witness?

I wore more baggy clothes in the hope that people would not notice me, they won’t comment on my body, and ask why I was so skinny, they won’t ask me why I don’t eat, like if I ate 10x a day it would make a difference to my fast metabolism. Now I wished they saw me as a kid and left me alone to be a child.

It wasn’t easy being a late bloomer in a boarding school; everyone was watching your body. "Why hasn’t your period started?"

"Tope started her period today, remain you"

"My school daughter saw her period today"

"When will you see your own, since JSS1 till now Abbie? Don’t worry, it will come."

I remember buying very tiny bras hoping my breast will recognize that it was time to be packaged and act accordingly. I also remember putting stone in my uniform to pose as breast, I remember wearing sanitary pads in the hope that Aunty Flo will visit me. My mates in Secondary School were growing and getting bigger, but I remained skinny and grew taller with each session.

My breast finally grew; I jokingly tell people that I woke up and met it there, I can’t remember the process, it was like it grew overnight. Aunty Flo did visit; one afternoon in my class, I stood up to go see my crush in the next block, only to discover that the back of my skirt was covered in blood, this happened in SS3.

I was smiling and skipping as I ran to the hostel to change and get cleaned up. The smile on my friends' faces when I told them it finally happened, and the advice they gave, made me feel welcomed.

I remember a teacher who would ask me every session if I had started my period, and my answer would be No. She passed away before I was able to tell her I have come into “womanhood”. May her soul rest in peace.

In my early years of university, I’d stay up late searching for mixtures that would make me gain weight, and trying to make them or buy them. I would buy weight gain syrups hoping they would work, and no one would call me skinny again. Well, I’m glad they didn’t work.

I would even join support groups where we would discuss remedies for gaining weight and share updates. Now, I attach the smell of raw egg with the memory of my body dysmorphia phase.

These experiences I had shaped me differently; when I was totally able to let go of the phase I was in, I tapped into a new part of my life. The part of my life where I began to actually see myself, eyes wide and bright.

The positive impact of this experience is that it made me very self-aware; I know I am beautiful and wonderfully made. I am much kinder to myself; I appreciate every inch of my body and take care of it as I should. I no longer hide behind bigger and darker clothes; I strut in heels and hold my head high.

I genuinely compliment the young women around me and let them know they are beautiful, and the phase of life they’re in doesn’t need to be rushed. Recently, my cousin told me I am her role model, and how much she adored me; I saw that as a great honor.

I met a girl in my first year in university, who is now my best friend. She was the most confident woman I knew; she was older and wiser, she helped me understand myself. She was so kind to me; she would speak words of encouragement to me, she would tell me how beautiful I was, she nurtured my femininity and my confidence, she made sure everything I said about myself was positive.

In correction, she would show love; in rebuke, she would show love, and from then till now, nothing has changed. When she gave a compliment, it was genuine and not laced in flattery. I sort of owe her for the woman I am now.

Along the line, I built so many solid female friendships that I am grateful for; I don’t know the kind of person I would have been if I wasn’t blessed with the gift of genuine female friends. These women are invested in enriching me physically, socially, educationally, mentally, spiritually, and in all spheres of life you can think of. I love my girls; I always pray I am able to give out as much value as they give me.

My friendship and support system played a huge role in my development, and I couldn’t have done it alone. So, with that, I am still learning; I am still growing; I am patient with myself; I am loving myself each and every day, and looking around me to see who I can be of value to. Thank you for reading.